Funny Jokes to Bust a Gut

You should kill me for this but...

Did you see the engraving under the mineral sculpture of the famous punner's head? It said, "Wordplay Ore Bust"

FBI Investigation.

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."

Busted!

A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.

They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and he let the other one off.

I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today...

Looks like he was trying to bust a move.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

How do you chip thin ice off a window?

You bust a rime.

The Indian baking festival was kind of a bust.

It was a naan event.

Bank Robbery

A group of thugs bust into a bank. The bank is closed but there is a night watchmen watching the cameras. The thugs all find the vault and crack it open, revealing not money, but yogurt in little dishes. They all find this strange, but one thug says,
"We might as well eat it."
It's a sperm bank.

Grandpa Joke

I was driving around with my Grandfather yesterday. As we passed a cemetery he says,
"People are dying to get in there, you know".
I couldn't help but bust out laughing. I'm 29 years old...Gotta love Grandpas

A young Julius Caesar and his friend were walking along...

A young Julius Caesar and his friend Kevin were walking a Roman road. Caesar says "I'm really thinking about going all out this year and having a bust made of myself" to which Kevin
replied..."Ughh...Don't get a-head of yourself".

My brother had a bust of his likeness made the other day but decided he had nowhere to put it...

you might say he got a head of himself.

You can explore bust bubble reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bust buster dad jokes. There are also bust puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

There was a young barmaid from Yale..

On whose bust was written the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was exactly the same, but in braille.

My dad dropped this joke on a dinner with my girlfriend and I couldn't help but to bust out laughing

Girls are like public bathrooms. All the clean ones are always taken and the only ones left are so messed up and dirty you don't want to go inside.

A female midget FBI agent went undercover to bust a drug gang by sleeping with gang members.

She was known as the Little Fed Riding Hood.

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

Have you heard the tagline for the new Ghostbusters movie?

Now with 400% more bust!

If I was a squirrel.....

Could I bust a nut in your bush?

What do Mormon's and tweekers have in common?

Both ride bicycles and bust mission.

A couple of my friends tried to steal a statue last night...

But it turned out to be a bust.

What do you call a green onion that can bust a rhyme?

A rapscallion.

A self-absorbed man wants to get his bust sculpted.

He believes that one day he'll be very important, so he asks a sculptor to carve his bust out of marble to put into a museum in the future.

The sculptor says, "Sir, I think you're getting a head of yourself."

Why does Bill Cosby carry around a nutcracker everywhere he goes?

So he can bust a nut without having to rape anybody.

When I become famous...

I want to get a huge marble bust made in my image.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

"Let's bust this joint"

is the new tag line for the Artritis Support Group.

What happens when you turn a cashew in to the police?

You bust a nut

Large scale pot-growing bust on my neighbors property

I was charged with planting evidence...

What would you call a Street Fighter player who can bust out the Spinning Pile Driver really fast?

SPD Gonzales.

Why did the squirrel cross the road?

To bust a nut.

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

How did the guitar player bust the G string?

He was fingering A Minor.

Janet, a bit tipsy from the champagne, didn't realize the new office photocopier was a 3D photocopier.

So Steve got a nice bust for his bookshelf for christmas.

I used to work at a bra factory

but it went bust.

How do you know you play too much video games?

When you yell *headshot* every time you bust a nut on your girlfriends face.

My attempt to steal that head of a statue failed.

Well, I guess it was a bust.

What did the marble head of the centurion say to the criminally intoxicated young women carved on the wall?

Frieze, this is a bust.

I had a bust made in my likeness. Well, it's GOING to be made.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

My friend is sculpting a bust of me

I'm getting a little head of myself

I always carry a microphone and some lube...

in case I need to bust a nut and a rhyme at the same time

As I was walking through the woods I got hit in the head by some shell fragments.

I tried to ignore it but it happened a second time and then a third.

Looking up in anger I saw two squirrels that looked like they were up to no good, so I screamed up at them, "what are you trying to do start a war?!?!"

The bigger of the two looked down at me and said, "nah man, just trying to bust a nut."

On may way to work today I passed a police officer that had pulled over a U-Haul....

I think he was trying to bust a move.

I think my mother might have robot hands.

I was talking to my neighbour and he said, "Man, your mum's amazing. She can bust a nut with a flick of her wrist."

Two bounty hunters are staring at Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

One says to the other, "I'm glad it's not a bust."
The other says, "Yeah, what a relief."

Did you know...

...that certain types of male bees die by genital explosion after mating. Gives a whole new meaning to bust a nut.

What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?

A joint operation.

My local Hooters closed the other day.

I guess you could say the restaurant was a bust.

Whenever I complain about things I have a friend confined to a wheelchair that will bust my chops about how easy I have it.

But I always remind him that before he judges me he should walk a mile in my shoes.

I wanted to build a statue museum, but one statue didn't arrive.

It was a bust.

I bust a nut in her eye...

So she could see where I'm coming from.

* This is still my favorite A Tribe Called Quest lyric to date.

I have a problem with crippling procrastination.

The boss told me to bust a guy's kneecaps weeks ago, but here I am making bad jokes for internet strangers.

Went to walmart

and asked the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

What is the gayest animal in the world?

A squirrel. They go through their whole life finding nuts to bust or to shove in their mouth.

I just busted a huge nut on my wall.

Fortunately it was load bearing.

A man walks into a sculptors studio and says...

"I would like a bust in my image so how much would that cost?"

The sculptor says " woah you only just walked in the door and you are already talking prices, let's back up a bit"

The man replied " I'm sorry I'm getting a head of myself"

Did you hear about Captain Kirk's lingerie line?

it went bust.

No one wanted to wear shatner panties.

I went to a museum, but all it had was one sculpture.

It was a bust.

I just ordered a realistic bust that looks just like me. I couldn't afford the full body option...

but I'm getting a head of myself.

How did the busty naked blonde get away with a bank robbery?

No one could remember her face

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

A blind man walks into a sculpture store.

He'd been planning a heist targetting the jewellery store beside it. Fumbling around to gain his bearings, he eventually comes into contact with a statue of a woman, to which he finally exclaims, "Well, this is a bust!"

What do you call it when you and your homie help eachother both bust a nut?

Cummunism

It was the Busta Rhymes,

It was the Wursta Rhymes.

They call me the cashew police

I bust nuts

Being that it's Spooktober

I'm shocked that nobody said bust a Slimer

I was gonna do no-nut November

But my plan went bust.

I have busted a nut so many times now.

Perhaps, I'll switch to creamy peanut butter for a change.

How did the catholic priest help the crazy man get out of the cave?

He had some miners help him bust a nut

A kiss is a must

For me to bust

A board member with powers of administration suffering badly from the wind

and wearing an ironclad brassier, pushed her bosom into my face while role-playing in my dank and dirty dungeon.

That's right, a gusty trustee thrust her rusty bust in lusty musty dusty custody.

What banner phrase did the art sculptures create to christen their upcoming race?

Finish line or BUST!

Did you hear about the guy caught stealing a statue?

The robbery was a bust.

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

I like my drinks how I like my relationships

bust down

What bust?

A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.

"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"

So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.

Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a maternity bra.

The same clerk was on duty, and he asked, "What bust?"

"The yellow one."

What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common?

They both bust nuts

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

What happens if you tighten a Bolt too much?

You bust a Nut

I wanted to get a personalized bust

But my wife told me not to get ahead of myself.

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"

Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:

Father, were you gambling?

As God is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .

They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:

Father, were you gambling?

As Jesus is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .

The let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi:

Rabbi, were you gambling?

The rabbi looks around and says, With whom?

Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys...

His brother prefers to keep things low-key

So I ordered me a bust for my birthday.

I really wanna show you how it looks, but I'm getting a head of myself.

A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first

He said he only deals with known quantitties.

I gifted trampoline to my son on his 7th birthday

I think he was so happy he bust into tears. He cried so hard that he fell out of his wheelchair

I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

A bunch of guys who sit around all day saying jokes got tired of repeating the same jokes, so they decided to number the jokes. Whenever one of them wanted to say a joke, he'd just say "Number 32", for example, and they'd all bust out laughing

One day one of the guys stood up and shouted "Number 54", as usual they all laughed. One guy though, laughed hysterically, slapped his knee, and had tears streaming down his face.

One of his friends asked him: "What's going on? Why did you laugh like this?"

He replied: "It's the first time I heard this joke"

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